There's something that I have been aware of. The main question that I find asking myself, is why. Why why why. And of course, answers only lead to more questions. The more you know, it seems, the less you understand. Or...the more you know....the more you have to misunderstand...or....well...whatever. I've been thinking lately about us human beings. And how so little of us seem to care these days. About anything. But ourselves. Or maybe not even that. A lot of us, seem to have no compassion or empathy for other human beings. No sincerity whatsoever. Broken promises, deceit, lies,betrayal, and most of all, greed and selfishness. And I have infered that within the heart of every human being, there lies greed or selfishness. It seems to be within all of us. Its just whether or not we succumb to it, that determines what kind of person we are, as far as "good" or "bad" goes. Its a problem that I admit to have. As far as having complete and utter compassion and empathy for someone, is just alien to me. I have been through experiences, of course, of having compassion and truly caring for someone when they are in pain. But this was a very close friend. If it were a stranger, I couldn't have cared less. But its quite hard for me, in most cases, to really be in tune with another persons feelings.  Empathy is what I lack. But enough of what I lack, let me move on to the strange and perplexing emotion, called love.
Now, I know, that I have no right to tell someone how they do or do not feel, whether it be towards another person, or towards themselves, or so forth. But, I do believe, by observation and deep contemplation, that some people seem to be completely and utterly unable to decipher the difference between love and greed. Now, I may not have experienced being IN love, but I have experienced greed. And sometimes, you know it when you see it being expressed through words or actions.   Some people are truly convinced that they just are in love with their partner. But...some people just WANT that person. What they may think is love, they may possibly be blinded and deceived, in reality its a feeling of greed and selfishness. For instance, a man and a woman both claim that they are "hopelessly" in love with one another. Yet, they obviously feel that their relationship is so fragile, and they distrust each other so much, that they feel they must invade each others privacy, or be with one another everywhere they go, or incessantly ask one another where they are at or have been. They lie to each other, they deceive and betray each other, one cheats on the other. Now...correct me if I'm wrong, but I do not think at all that that is love. Just greed. They may  WANT each other, but they just couldn't be in love with one another. 
Its quite aggravating. Especially if your one of the people witnessing these  contradictions going on, and your being effected by it. But it leads back to that question, Why? Why are people so stupid?  There is a point where you need to think logically about something, everything. How you act, what you say, how you express things, and that big, fucked up thing called contradiction. Try avoiding that. Its stupid to me how some  people can seem to go around in their minds, telling themselves, and everyone else, that they love someone, when most of their actions and words seem to show otherwise. Have some congruency.

...I've a question to ask you...a well thought out question...well...at times I question your demeanor...I've heard from a lot of people, that, you are "an asshole".Some people never tell me specifically what you do or say...they just state,"oh, i dont know, he's just an asshole"... Now, I have seen some of your assholishness, but, it was never anything to cause me to dislike you or despise you...but it does make me curious.... I do sometimes wonder why you behave the way you do...maybe thats just your nature.
You just make me curious I guess. Im not sure if thats even a question you can answer...maybe the question wasnt very well thought out...but whatever. I just had to express to you my curiosity, whether you care or not.
And aside from that Im sick of people saying your an asshole.

Hungering for knowledge, growth, and enlightenment. I need human interaction, I need to communicate with other people, and learn to be open minded. I need change. Exploring within myself, I have found nothing. Constantly lost within all of my thoughts and feelings, yet it all seems to fade away, and they dont mean anything. Im in a forest with no trees, yet Im still lost. I need to plant seeds! Find something in myself thats really worth getting lost in. But I dont really know what Im searching for...Im just searching, in hopes that I'll find something new, something interesting. Theres a part of me that wants to reach out, and connect with other people, a compassionate, sympathetic person. Yet theres another part of me that just wants to be alone, and has no sympathy for others. Sometimes I feel like a machine...I dont know when it happened.....but I wasnt always like this...